Checking out the Hood Spots

Here's something I'll never do again:

Have you ever seen a bag of rice the size of a large bag of charcoal? I have. Why? Because I've been to Bravo foods.

A co-worker and buddy of mine started reading my blog. This is what followed.

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Dan: Hey man, if you really want to save money- you gotta start checking out the hood spots!

Tom: What?

Dan: I bet you're shopping at Stop & Shop or some other supermarket chain.

Tom: Yeah? So?

Dan: When I was growing up, I lived in the ghetto. There was this place, Compare Foods, my mom would come back from there with like 30 frozen pizzas for $5 bucks- you should hit it up, sometime.

Tom: Yeah? Ok-

Dan: Day-time...

....And hit it up I did.
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Saturday morning, just like every Saturday, I woke up ridiculously early and just started running errands. This has been the unfortunate case ever since I stopped binge drinking- I can't sleep late if I'm not hung over, and I can't stand being idle in my apartment.

Congruent with my frugal lifestyle I wanted to dive right into the hood-spots faster than you could say "spinning-rims-PSP!"

While en route, I typed "Compare Foods" into my GPS and sure-as-shit the bitch came right up! Another friend of mine used to live in this neighborhood and people were always getting shot by his apartment- I just knew Compare Foods would have some great deals for me to get my cheap hands around.

On my way, I realized that I was already in a locale cited numerous times on History Channel's "Gangland;" most notably for its presence of MS-13. I began to pay more attention to my surroundings and noticed all kinds of supermarkets I've never heard of and will under-no-circumstances ever return to.

When you're surrounded by so many hood-spots/independent merchants of vitals, how can you hit em all up? The first two I went to lacked a freezer- I needed to come up with a criteria as to which ones I would check out and fast-

I decided that they needed to have the following:

• A sign that advertised their acceptance of food-stamps
  
• Be adjacent to a cash-checking service, a place that bought gold, or a run-down place of worship.

"Bravo" actually managed to accept food-stamps and be adjacent to a cash-checking service, a gold broker, and was surrounded by three brick churches with neon-Christ signs. WWJD? Obviously shop at Bravo...obvi.

I thought by accepting food-stamps, they would also be interested in some unique trades- however I never found out.

When you enter the vicinity of Bravo you can sense the magic in the air. Is it because there's a girl selling bootleg Reggaeton CDs in the ramshackle parking lot? Is it because there's man selling belts and fake Coach bags by the entrance? Or is it because there's a woman muttering to herself as she wearily sweeps the sidewalk? No, it's none of those things.

What's really special about Bravo foods is how the customers don't just speak Spanish- they scream it at one another, angrily. Also, it smells like cats and they sell 10 pound bags of rice, and as you can imagine, rice isn't heavy, so the bags are quite large.

But what really makes you stand up and cheer for Bravo is the way in which all of the customers seem to run to their car the second they exit the building. They must be really hungry or really know something can go down.

Every place I went to I got that "you ain't from around here, boy" down-home greeting. It's nothing like Epcot center. It's nothing like Three Amigos.

While there were some decent buys at the hood-spots, the products were more often than not fried and/or loaded with fat, and/or expired, and/or down-right confusing; such as the frozen pepperoni calzone unique for it's "Just add cheese!" instruction printed right on the box. I never knew something could be a calzone if it didn't have cheese- but I learned alot about life this weekend.

With the exception of Eggo, I recognized not a single brand- Dan mentioned this would happen but until you experience it first hand, you truly can't appreciate it.

While I bought nothing from any of the hood-spots, I will remember them always for their unique aromas and local flavors. However, I will never be returning to them less I earn for some "Fabuloso!" Brand pizza rolls (actual product) for $1.97.